Another Day

Most days I wish I knew what to say. I know that my syllables aren't enough to wash away all the pain, and struggle that they endure. But I wish they could.

Right now my dearest friend is enduring a pain that I felt nearly a year ago. When you move to a new place, thousands of miles away from anything and anyone you ever knew, it is incredibly traumatic. I was completely alone enduring this (and even had a kindly landlady to throw mites into that mix). It was total hell. Thinking I made the world's hugest mistake, who did I think I was?, why did I think I could make it, I am such a worthless mistake. That is all that ran through my head for weeks. I would sob every single day wishing my mom was there, wishing I had someone, or something. But I was just a lonely, suffering mess.

He is feeling these exact same things. Only he's upset with me for being so distant, and not being more gentle the moment he arrived. Which is fair. I was super grumpy when he arrived, and distant before he came because I was a bit anxious about it and I didn't want to share that anxiety.

He keeps just writhing in pain because he feels completely alone, with no place to go (he does have an apartment, though), he feels like this was all a mistake and that he won't be able to make it here, or fit in. I wish he knew how identical his feelings are to what I felt a year ago. I wish he could trust me that it will all go away; it just takes time. Yes, it's painful and will be for another month or so, but it will go away. Everything will be just fine. I'm here and I'm capable, and not going to leave.

When I rolled up I met someone I had never met in my life trying to help me navigate Portland. I had a broken car, little money, then shortly thereafter I was infested by mites, and this person I had just met was completely incapable of helping me. I was even more alone, and drenched in neuro-toxic chemicals trying to survive my first semester of law school at a new school.

If only he knew. If only he would trust me. Instead, he's sweating out nightmares in my bed and sobbing, just without the tears.